Giving.....up

I work in the type of vocational arena that requires heavy doses of compassion, understanding, patience, and most of...self-giving. It's a field where people often need a supportive word or gesture along the way. It can require 2nd and 3rd chances and even some brutal honesty at just the right moment.

This field also requires a wise and intelligent leader - of which I am a reasonable facsimile. I'm not the wizziest of kids, but with some hard work, a fair amount of talent and some commitment to those I serve, the balance sheet most always ends up in the red. Maybe that is why, for me, experiences of disappointment and being let down seem to cause so much internal damage.

I have often wished I was the hard ass. The one who doesn't care what you really think and you can take it or leave it. The fleeting moments of arrogance or insensitivity I attempt end up leaving me second guessing my actions or words a few hours later. There's truly no way around having your gifts match your personality. If empathy were not in my tool box of skills, I certainly wouldn't feel bad when I get hurt. And vice-verse...If I weren't damaged by others opinions or responses to me or my actions then I most likely wouldn't have the feelings to respond to their needs or challenges.

Before I sound like a complete wuss...let me explain.

Say you have this project or task that takes years to complete. You pace yourself and slowly but diligently assess, advise, support, and construct until the project is finished. Then, after all the hard work, all the overtime, all the consultations, all the re-starts and new directions the project is marched out to the pedestal for the world to see. The praises for the project are high. The work is regarded as top notch. You know you have gone above and beyond the call of duty to complete the task and make it a success. Then, without justification or explanation, the project simply marches out the door and all those who admire it fall in line and you are left with the empty easel. No thank you. No pat on the back. No well done good and faithful servant.

I have recently reached my fill of these moments and have burned enough compassionate energy on others who seem ungrateful and selfish that I could fuel an entire fleet of Hummers delivering mail uphill in the smog filled urban area of your choice. I’m simply tired of it.

Get out the fork. Plug in the toaster. It is finished.

Ivan L